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by raymond.julin7 entries
Good day. Kids deliver at 08:15, work at 09. Some #gke exploration and some investigation into finally building tech.cutters.no but on nextjs directly.Bought birthday present for Birk. Marianne walked Isis. Carbonara for dinner.
Long time no writing. Crazy days with partners mental illness. Meltdowns on friday, yesterday and today Sunday. Today the morning had been quite good for her; she managed to sleep through me and the kids getting up. But, once she was awake I eventually said yes to whether she was controlling or not, which caused hell. Screaming, lots of comfort-seeking from friends and psychiatrist institution. Discussed hosptialising and eventually we agreed that she should get out and away from the family and see someone else. Turned out okish and she spent the evening at Ronja and Ola and is spending the night there as well! Hooray. She needs to just take a break from the stress at home that she seems completely unable to handle properly. Hopefully she will rest up and we will be able to survive tomorrow as well. I'm not overly hopeful for our relationship if she and the psychiatrist can't solve her lack of grasp of her life and thoughts. This one evening alone, despite doing dinner+nighttime alone with two kids, have had me really relaxed. I need more evenings like this if I'm going to maintain my own stability and self. Despite all the hell I've managed to do a lot today:Clean up the complete and utter mess of a house after three fucked up daysWash 5 machinesBake breadBake pain au chocolatVaccuumSome Fifa gamingWrite this damn journal entryHaving the peace of mind to go through my own mind is refreshing. I'm not sure how I can create this space in regular days when she is in the house and pulling me into her problems constantly. I don't have the energy to deal with anything other than carving out a little bit of me time from the fragments of day that are left after being supportive towards her. I need to find a way to do so. I need to think, sit down, ponder, write, sort thoughts, work on problems, listen to music, keep a thought in my head for more than 10 seconds. Once I get on top of my own well-being I can plan how to bridge the gap to my friends and family.
Hot days these days. Pushing 30C today and we're just keeping our coo. Inger Lises visit is going quite well now and she is helping in giving us some breathing room. She takes a lot of responsibility with Ylva.Packed week with vaccination for Birk, physio for Ylva and paperwork crap with NAV for us. Evenings we enjoy outside, #gardening and just chilling. Bbq is the theme of the month for #dinner and we do so every other day. Aiming for shrimps today and pasta salad with scampi tomorrow, to eat some more seafood as well. Tonight ILK will go hike with Hilde Marie so we'll stay in and probably watch TV and relax for once.Todays achievements:Grocery shoppingVacuumedWorked on Memoir.one
Psychiatrist summaryI'm unsure of the value in the session. I guess theres some situation rapport that just needs to be done before we can dig into anything, but it feels like spending a lot of time on recapping. On the other hand its good to summarize the situation at hand to someone else. There are a couple of issues at hand for me.Stretching in order to support my partner better. With her depression I need to supress negative reactions when I consider her to be deeply unfair. I also try to highlight more positive aspects of her day and support her in finding episodes that were good or made her feel good. This takes a toll.Being the primary responsible adult and the one that has to do most things practical. Its consuming to do so with 2 kids and a dog, and when adding my partner to the list of people I need to be present for I'm well outside my comfort zone. Losing personal time. I've always needed ample time to myself. I need to work on personal projects. I need to spend time in solitude. Not having that time shakes my core. Inputs from the psychiatristI should talk to someone to ventAs a couple we need to carve out some us-time without kidsI need to get better at communicating early. Just. Say. Anything. I should work on simple phrases like I need to think about that for a minute but will respond then. Just give a signal
The day after no-sleepEnded up with just 3 hours of sleep leading into today, which were a scary thought for how the day would progress. Real tiredness never hit though so yey.Had both Ylva and Birk in the morning until I had dropped Ylva off. Went grocery shopping at #lagunen with Birk. Made time to sit down with a coffee at Godt Brød as he slept in the stroller.Made it back around 11 and HL were up and #arguing with HMK over SMS. Frustrating to watch how she gets completely lost and unable to break out of the arguing even long after all the relevant points have been made.Day picked up again after this. Ronja and Einar came to see HL, but as HL had 2 long phone calls I probably spent the most time with Ronja. She had dinner here and left shortly after.Had the energy and will to actually clean properly up after dinner today, which I'm happy about. Finalised the prep email to ILK about her visit to prepare her for how she needs to respond to staying with someone who has depression.Finally we called Lill for an hour before getting to bed at 0100.

#birk slept 13:00 - 14:30

Tiresome day. We got to bed too late – again, as usual – so when Birk got me up around 5-6am I were a zombie. Had breakfast but had to get some more sleep on the sofa after eating. Ylva awake around 7 and we drove to kindergarten around 09:30.

Chiropractor session later in the day. I think its helping but I need to put in a better effort at stretching.

Pasta bolognese for dinner and Ylva ate a lot – wee.

Small night hack session on #memoirone after walking Isis.